Theres really nothing like talking animals. Francis the Talking Mule, Mr. Ed, cuddly Disney creatures popping up through every technicolor nook and cranny, so cuddly, so fluffy, so innocent. But somehow, somewhere, it all seems to be a total cover up. Animals are the chaos of nature, knowing no bounds or morals no matter how adorable, cuddly and soft they may seem. You may be aware of some of these animals, with their top hats, and fancy words, so you should know not to trust any of the following creatures if they chance your path.
10. The Fox and Cat from Pinocchio
Just look at these two queens, Especially that ‘Fox’ with a tophat and gloves that looked cute on Mickey Mouse, but just look, well, pedophile-y on a fox that sings a song to a creepily innocent Puppet ‘High-di-de-le-day, an actors life is gay…!’ and runs a sleazy NAMBLA-esqe cartel ring of young boys they turn into donkeys on the porny-sounding Amusement park ‘Pleasure Island.’ And why is the cat silent? Because he is doping out that entire time, thats why.
9. Cheshire Cat (and all John Tenniel animals) in Alice in Wonderland (1933)
Once upon a time, Paramount decided they were going to make a big-budget fantasy film of Lewis Carroll’s Alices Adventures in Wonderland, which had just celebrated its 100th anniversary. Charlotte Henry, a young ingenue, won the role of Alice, leading a massive publicity gimmick that failed to shuttle her career after this flop. The film was such an over-budgeted turkey in both production and box office, Paramount almost lost their shirts. Many things are to blame, but the main culprits are the morbid attempts to stay faithful to John Tenniel’s classic, original illustrations. The only problem is that those illustrations are motherfucking creepy. No matter how hard you try they just end up looking like a ghastly menagerie of mummified bodies, taxidermy animals and deformed mental patients. So its really no wonder no one bought a ticket, since every movie star in the Paramount lot are given ghastly, tumorous costumes made of plaster, rubber and pure dread. The worst, however, is the terrifying death demon that hisses its way into Wonderland in the guise of the Cheshire Cat. Jim Henson would probably have a seizure at that puppetry and his vanishing as a glowing, neon demon that looks like a college shroom trip gone horribly wrong. Lessons learned, do NOT talk to the Cheshire Cat, especially when it sounds like a 1930’s radio announcer from Yonkers.
8. That Dog from Beetlejuice (1988)
That fucking dog, I swear to god. What was it doing around in the afternoon, in a tunnel? It makes you wonder how many drowning deaths are adorable dog related.
7. The Ice Cream Bunny from Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny (1972)
If you haven’t experienced this movie for yourself, read at your own risk. Florida sleaze-wad, Porn producer/director Barry Mahon decided that instead of making nudie cuties and porno, he was going to make a series of children’s films with the budget of zero dollars. Santa Claus ends up in Florida, the tale of Thumbelina is told, and a bunny delivering ice cream appears. Who is the Ice Cream Bunny, is this an advertisement for some off-brand? Why does he look as though he’s covered in tumorous boils like a pink, fuzzy black plague victim? Why is he driving a Fire Truck? All things that are not answered, and i’m sure all of the children were reported missing after they stupidly trusted him.
6. Early 1920’s Mickey Mouse
Before Mickey finally let the pep pills Uncle Walt prescribed get to him in his ‘Sorcerers Apprentice’ from Fantasia (1940), you could hardly call Mickey a cuddly-wuddly mouse, more like a mischievous ink imp who caused trouble at every turn, especially in Steamboat Willie (1928) and Thru The Mirror (1936). Screwier than Bugs Bunny, creepier than Felix, Mickey Mouse became a cultural zeitgeist into the 1930’s, beginning pop cultures fetishizing of Mickey Mouse and Uncle Walt, puzzling many a psycho-therapist and academic in the process.
5. Satan from The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)
Well, Satan is generally untrustworthy. Catholic rioters and Religious Fanatics bombed movie theatres over this shit the year it came out. Something about Jesus banging Mary Magdelene, but I blame this hoochy snake who sliters its way like a wiggly meth peen toward an uncomfortably sexy William Defoe (sue me).
4. Stinky the Skunk from Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters (1962)
Oh K Gordon Murray, what don’t I love about you? You were a sleaze ball producer who found moldy Mexican horror movies and shilled them out on kids in shopping mall theatres and kiddie matinee flea bins all throughout America. Who could forget that comedic icon in World Cinema, standing only next to Chaplin, Keaton, Lloyd, Stinky the Skunk? Yes, Mexico’s answer to the ultimate cinematic question of ‘star power’ has it all. A boyfriend known as the Big Bad Wolf, a voice like Tammy Faye Baker on helium, and is always luring children into generally creepy shit, (spooky forests, his boyfriend’s love den etc). Skunks are a given when avoiding sketchy animals, no matter how adorable or human-like they sound.
3. Puss in Boots in Puss in Boots (1963)
Another Murray piece from his trash pile. I’m sure this man would have done an episode of Hoarders for the old film prints he found and kept till it rotted away in flop Grind-houses. Lets take a close look at this sketchy animal, shall we? Well, for starters this is obviously a midget (pardon me, little person) in a fur-suit. Instead of just having eyes they see through, they just cut off part of the costume revealing a ghastly set of eyeballs surrounded by ghoulish makeup. Puss in Boots is the grand-daddy of the slutty bi-sexual bear costumed guy in Kubrick’s The Shining.
2. Fat Unicorn from Black Moon (1975)
Louis Malle is one of the grand daddies of the French New Wave (and married the chick who played Murphy Brown, Candice Bergen?) Here, is his vision of Alice in Wonderland with a screenplay by Luis Buñuel’s daughter in law, Joyce Buñuel, weirdly enough. True, Unicorns are usually docile, porcelain and on the covers of many a school girls binder. But unicorns, as Malle makes clear, are fat and sketchy. They will nibble on flowers and tell you things that make no sense, and also make it clear that they hate you.
1. That God-damn Goldfish from The Singing Ringing Tree (1957)
Just look at this fucking fish, would you trust it with anything? Why would you go anywhere near it? Is it going to offer you drugs, or just eat you altogether, taking your innards into his icy lagoon?